I have a terrible memory. This became a problem in ballet class decades ago. I know it is still with me because I did take a ballet class late last spring, and…it was horrible. I still blush when I think about it. Not only was I thirty years out of shape, but my brain’s ability to absorb a ballet combination had somehow managed to deteriorate from its original sorry state.
And so, I cannot really recall when I started this blog. I do know that it was just before my life began to fall apart, maybe 4 or 5 years ago.
It all centered around three deaths beginning 3 years ago last week, when my best friend died rather suddenly at the age of 53. She lived in another state and her family refused to speak to me after her death, but I have gathered since that she had been ill for some years prior to her death (which she never told me about), and had even been in and out of the hospital. What was wrong with her was something she inherited from her mother, who also died young. But that’s no matter anymore; they are both at peace. What matters to me, now, is that for the first time in my life I had a huge gaping gap in my inner circle.
The next spring, my mother — who had helped me cope with the death of my friend — died of cancer. She was the only thing holding me close to my immediate family, and I have since pretty much lost contact with them. My father and I have no relationship at all (he was always emotionally and verbally abusive toward me and became worse after my mother died; I had no choice but to walk away, but that has cost me the rest of my immediate family).
And then last summer, my cousin, who had been a close friend in childhood, died of pneumonia after having been completely disabled by the rheumatoid arthritis that had gripped her since the 1980’s. She was just shy of her 55th birthday when she passed.
In the last several years I have developed fibromyalgia, and arthritis (at first in the hands). I have overcome my osteoporosis, however, and may return to figure skating — which somehow was always easier for me to retain in my head (and translate into movement) than ballet. It’s probably just because in figure skating, there are comparatively few “steps,” and they tend to be broad and simple to remember, if not always simple to execute.
Anyway, severed from my moorings, I bought a house far from where I used to live, and left my job which was suddenly too far away and too low paying to justify the commute. One month after I moved here, I suffered a head injury in a freak accident, which had the odd side effect of making my fibro problems at least 100 times worse than they were. And then, early this summer, I managed to injure both my feet in a gardening accident (LOL), and now I have nasty arthritis in my feet as well as my hands. The feet are so sore they are hard to walk on, and are nearly always swollen. Going back to ballet class is out of the question at present.
Do I sound like the lyrics of a country song yet?
I’m not asking for sympathy; after a certain point, one just shrugs at each new difficulty. It’s either that, or one becomes a whining pile of slobber. I’ve been on the verge of the latter quite a bit lately, but I refuse to let it get me.
But going back over all of this, it’s easy for me to see why I couldn’t quite keep up with this blog, and finally abandoned it altogether.
Next week I am supposed to start a new job, and I also have side businesses going. I am also thinking of monetizing this blog once I get myself situated in life again. Which is to say that I am back, and I am finally serious about being back.
And I hope you enjoy what’s to come.